None of us wants a body massage.

Safe to say that when the summer movie season of 2009 is summarized, the success of Transformers 2 will be called into question by how many people straight up loathed the film.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around how a movie so reviled by folks could gross near $400 million bucks, but so far it seems to be helping the late-summer action movie set out quite a bit by setting the bar so low.

Case in point: the advance reviews of GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA.  We all let out a collective groan when we saw the trailers, plus the bad buzz and negativity surrounding the post-production has led us all to believe that the film is a turkey made of garbage on fire.

But lookie what we have here, kids.  Steve Weintraub over at Collider is saying the movie isn’t as bad as we think.  Even proclaiming some of it “quite good.”  A bit farther down the page, he starts in with the TF2 comparisons.

“Also, it never went for the really cheap joke or any bathroom humor. Sorry Bay, but you could learn from Stephen Sommers on this one.”

“The plot actually works and makes sense…for a “G.I. Joe” movie. Unlike “Transformers 2″, “Joe’s” got a clear story.”

Despite its horrible script, its alleged sexist and racist overtones, and total disregard for human intelligence, maybe we can all learn to love Transformers 2 as the new, “….could be worse” movie of our generation.  If anything, Paramount should buy Michael Bay a new car to blow up for helping buzz on GI JOE go from bad to “meh” in one weekend.

I Killed Jar Jar

We’re about a month away from what I believe will be the sleeper movie hit of the year,  DISTRICT 9, a film directed by Neill Blomkamp.  Blomkamp’s currently famous for being the guy attached to the failed HALO movie adaptation, produced by Peter Jackson, but I’ve been a fan of his since seeing some of his work on commercial reels in my editorial days.  He’s an effects heavy director, but weaves it into a documentary/handheld aesthetic that makes everything seem more realistic and, in result, fantastic.  Plus, his work has some actual emotional heft to it, using sci-fi metaphor for real-world issues (like any good science fiction does).

Want proof of how awesome this guy is?  Well here’s a bunch of his earlier work I found on YouTube.

Let’s start with ALIVE IN JOBURG, which everyone will compare District 9 to when it releases:

This is YELLOW, a short film he did for an Adidas campaign.

TETRA VAAL is a spec he did, showing off his style early on.

And, for the three people who haven’t seen it, here’s the Halo 3 live-action piece he filmed with WETA.

I firmly believe this guy is a true unique talent in film and nowadays, that’s rare.  Go see District 9 when it drops on August 14th.

DC Comic's Pet Semetary

I’ve been far away from superhero comics for a while and, after checking out the industry’s moves as of late, I’m happy with my decision.  Marvel seems hell-bent on grabbing new readers by revamping their universe with character death, storyline changes, and putting celebrities in their work.  Hell, even the Ultimate universe, which was intended to reintroduce classic Marvel characters to new readers without continuity considerations, is getting rebooted.  DC’s not much better, killing Batman, ruining Superman, and confusing us all with Final Crisis (the reason I stopped reading in the first place).

Then there’s Green Lantern.  He’s the oddest mainstream superhero, with a hard-to-define superpower involving willpower, creative design, and batteries, working alongside a backstory consisting of galactic police forces and cosmic politics.  Also, there’s a living planet named Mogo.  Compared to the Campbell-esque origins of Superman and Batman, it’s not an easy title to draw in folks.  Lucky, writer Geoff Johns has been working hard on the book, spinning an epic story that reintroduces the character, defines his values and culture, then tests it all with a space-shattering war, culminating in this month’s kickoff of THE BLACKEST NIGHT.

The miniseries has my attention because of the simplistic tagline: “The Dead Shall Rise,” portrayed by necrotic black fists rising from the ground in a symbol of defiance, solidarity, and general horror.  With all the wanton murder of superheroes happening in DC Comics and so many characters in that universe defined by death and its effects, the possibilities are endless to how this can tweak and test the DC mythos.  Past that, it’s sending me off to my local comics shop to pick up the first issue.

There’s plenty of things wrong with comics, inconsistency and a general lack of excitement being just portions of that hate pie, but a properly reinvigorated character yarn like Green Lantern’s saga over the last few years should be a model of how to excite readers and fans without going to drastic, confusing extremes.  You can only kill or dress up a faltering icon so many times before it becomes expected and cliche.  By testing what makes Green Lantern popular and timeless, The Blackest Night will hopefully show us all why we loved comics in the first place.

Bamf.

A couple of days off during the week without my wife insures I will end up buying something for one of the consoles, despite a backlog the size of a monkey.

This week’s purchase was EA’s BATTLEFIELD: 1943, the download-only, online shooter entry in a franchise that I managed to miss out on until BF: Bad Company knocked me on my ass early last year.  This game takes all the goodness found in BF:BC’s online mode and sets it in the classic WWII era, meaning less technical weaponry and more sepia-toned loading screens.  The gameplay is solid, the action is fast, and I never ran out of anything fun to do.  I flew planes into bases, ran over enemies with a tank, and launched a jeep airborne to distract opponents while I captured their flags.  Not a bad variety in the possible mayhem.  Coupled with the community support, found in a running total of kills per console that unlock rewards for players of the whole game, I see myself following and playing this one for a while.

Bionic Commando also took up some time and lives up to the disappointing amount of criticism its received.  For fleeting moments, I was totally engaged and overjoyed as situations took me swinging around a beautifully destroyed environment, fighting enemies in creative and interesting ways that utilized a healthy combination of skill and force.  These moments are chained together, though, by listless slogs through tunnels and rooftops that turn the game into a 3rd-rate Gears of War clone.  Add that to a storyline that replaces the charm of the original with a depressing, cliche story of rebellion and revenge along with frustrating checkpoint placement and directionless level design, you get a Bionic Commando that  just can’t live up to the fun of the NES classic.

Next week, Red Faction: Guerilla shows up.  I’m excited to play this as the demo has been my quick-fix of destructive fun for the last week.  Here’s hoping the full game gets my ass to Mars…and never lets me leave (that one’s free, THQ).